small victories

I weigh 132!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I know it's still a lot but you have no idea (scratch that, you all know) how it feels with these small victories. I thought I'd never get there, (no scratch that again, I knew I would eventually get there). Still have 23 more pounds to go. Hopefully by December I'll make it. I've just been eating right (ish) and trying not to binge. I am going thru my trunk of skinny clothes that I divided into 3 categories (1st, 2nd, 3rd) stages of skinny. Lol. I am into the 1st stage. I keep pushing the discouraging remarks in my head out and focusing on what I have accomplished so far. It comes from working a lot and working out moderately. I know I need to step it up to lose more weight faster. I need to be at the gym everyday but with my schedule it's hard. I'm rambling, sorry. I can't give up. I won't give up. My best friend from college just emailed me the latest pics of herself. She lost 70lbs this year!!!!! She still have 30 or 40 more lbs to go (she was a big girl) but she looks fantastic I tell you. And she is my thinspiration. I'm listening to the new Foo Fighters right now and I am in love. They make everything better. First rehearsal tonite for "Sleepy" with me in charge. So excited. Art and skinnyness. Yay!!! Cheer me on ladies. Let me know I can keep going. I can do this. I will be my thin self again soon.
  • Current Music
    Foo Fighters - Razor

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Sat Fats, get the facts:

Saturated fats are usually solid or almost solid at room temperature. All animal fats, such as those in meat, poultry, and dairy products are saturated. Processed and fast foods are also saturated. Vegetable oils also can be saturated. Palm, palm kernel and coconut oils are saturated vegetable oils. (Fats containing mostly unsaturated fat can be made more saturated through a process called "hydrogenation." See the definition for hydrogenated/partially hydrogenated.")

Saturated fats are the very unhealthy fats. They make the body produce more cholesterol, which may raise blood cholesterol levels. Excess saturated fat is related to an increased risk of cardiovascular disease. The amount of cholesterol found in foods is not as important as the amount of saturated fat. Of all the fats, saturated fat is the most potent determinant of blood cholesterol levels. Saturated fats stimulates the production of LDL cholesterol ("bad" cholesterol) and therefore increases blood cholesterol levels and the risk of heart disease. Saturated fats raise cholesterol levels and LDL-cholesterol levels more than dietary cholesterol itself.

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it's a miracle. all that hard work this week and i lost 5lbs!!! saturday i was 146 (sick i know) but today i did my weigh in and i'm 141!!! maybe even 140 since i had my clothes still on. the diet is working. it just gives me such a positive reinforcement to stick with it and hopefully pick myself out of my funk enough to go for a bike ride. i am still so tired and most days can't get out of bed to take out the trash but i still remain hopeful. i hope you all are going strong and taking care of yourselves. give me good thoughts to go outside today.
  • Current Mood
    determined determined

goin strong

Only had 431 calories. I ate very well today. grilled trout on salad with balsamic vinegar, two egg whites and two pieces of turkey bacon, sugar free jello, crystal light, diet coke, 15 almonds, low-fat strong cheese and a bunch of water. no throwing up and plenty of protein so i wasn't hungry. this is supposed to make me lose weight so so far i've lost 4lbs this week and the week's not over. yay!
  • Current Mood
    accomplished accomplished

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Friends is the best show to make you forget your issues. I haven't left my apt since Tuesday. I think I'm having a strange meltdown. I don't want to even go downstairs to get my mail. I don't want people to watch me walking or waddling. I just feel too ashamed to go anywhere. Does that sound like I'm overreacting? I know it does. I'm not well. I haven't seen anyone since I dropped my brother off at the airport on Tuesday. I don't want Jerrod to see me. Friends want to come visit me from out of town but I just keep telling them I'm busy. I just can't let people see me like this. When I lose 35lbs I will come out. I'm a freak aren't I? Damn. This diet better fucking work.


I miss sugar. I'm going on the South Beach Diet to start jump-start my weight loss. I haven't formally gone on it yet but I have cleaned out my kitchen of bad things. I just threw stuff with sugar out. I don't need any temptations. I want chocolate so bad but according to the plan after a few days you won't want sugar. The cravings are supposed to go away as your blood chemistry changes. You are supposed to lose 8-13 pounds in 7-12 days! I hung up my skinniest jeans as my goal at the end of the tunnell. I just have to go shopping for stuff that will keep my mouth busy. After South Beach I will be able to withstand binging. God I hope this is the end of purging and starving. My acid reflux is so bad right now. My eating habits have just fucked everything up so much. I really hope this diet fixes my insulin levels and keeps me from eating like crazy. I will be that skinny girl again that everyone hits on in the bars.
  • Current Music
    TV: Sex and the City


I want a cigarette. Dammit. Sleeping til 12:45 is a problem but until I find a new job i guess i will wake up in the afternoons and then do nothing.
Unemployment + Couch = Fatass
Goddammit. Why am I so weak?
I used to be the little dancer that gracefully walked through the cafeteria and got stared at everywhere I went. Now no one looks at me. Not even my boyfriend. We've been together for over 2 years. He freaked out a couple weeks ago and broke it off. Then came back a week later to say he didn't mean it and that he's got issues (like drinking and doing drugs). But we haven't had sex in a month. Married people do it more than us. I know he isn't attracted to me anymore. I'm too fat. I will lost 30lbs in 2 months. I will! I have to or I will die.
  • Current Mood
    angry angry


The primary characteristic of Compulsive Skin Picking (CSP) is the repetitive picking at one's own skin to the extent of causing damage. Usually, but not always, the face is the primary location for skin picking. However CSP, also known as dermatillomania or neurotic excoriation, may involve any part of the body. Individuals with CSP may pick at normal skin variations such as freckles and moles, at actual pre-existing scabs, sores or acne blemishes, or at imagined skin defects that nobody else can observe. Individuals with CSP may use their fingernails, as well as their teeth, tweezers, pins or other mechanical devices. As a result, CSP may cause bleeding, bruises, infections, and/or permanent disfigurement of the skin.

Sometimes skin-picking is preceded by a high level of tension and a strong "itch" or "urge". Likewise, skin-picking may be followed by a feeling of relief or pleasure. A CSP episode may be a conscious response to anxiety or depression, but is frequently done as an unconscious habit. Individuals with CSP often attempt to camouflage the damage caused to their skin by using make-up or wearing clothes to cover the subsequent marks and scars. In extreme cases, individuals with CSP may avoid social situations in an effort to prevent others from seeing the scars, scabs, and bruises that result from skin picking.

As demonstrated above, CSP has obsessive-compulsive features that are quite similar to OCD, BDD and Trichotillomania. It is sometimes found in individuals with these disorders, as well as in patents with certain medical conditions. In fact, a recent study found that 23% of those with OCD, and 27% of those with BDD, also had CSP. Though not currently listed in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM-IV) published by the American Psychiatric Association, some researchers believe it merits distinction as a separate diagnostic entity.

The primary treatment modality for CSP depends on the level of awareness the individual has regarding the problem. If the CSP is generally an unconscious habit, the primary treatment is a form of Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy called Habit Reversal Training (HRT). HRT is based on the principle that skin-picking is a conditioned response to specific situations and events, and that the individual with CSP is frequently unaware of these triggers. HRT challenges the problem in a two-fold process. First, the individual with CSP learns how to become more consciously aware of situations and events that trigger skin-picking episodes. Second, the individual learns to utilize alternative behaviors in response to these situations and events.

There are a number of other therapeutic techniques that can be used as adjuncts to HRT. Among these are Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP) and stimulus control techniques. Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP), which is the primary treatment for OCD and many OC Spectrum disorders, is most valuable if the individual with CSP is already aware of the specific situations and events that trigger skin-picking episodes. To learn more about this treatment approach, click here. Stimulus control techniques involve utilizing physical items such as gloves or rubber fingertip covers to reduce the client's ability to pick at his or her skin. Also, medications that are frequently used to treat OCD may be valuable adjuncts to CBT in the treatment of compulsive skin picking.

If you are experiencing any of the above symptoms, or would like more information about CSP and its treatment, you can call OCDLA directly at (310) 335-5443, or click here to email us. Also, to learn more about our weekly therapy/support group for individuals with Compulsive Skin Picking, click here . If you live outside Southern California, we recommend that you contact a licensed Cognitive-Behavioral therapist in your local area.
  • Current Mood
    crappy crappy